Coors Light Cold-Activated Cans

Even the beer companies are hurting in this economy… they all try to have these elaborate gimmicks on their cans to get you to buy them. My favorite one is the new cold-activated cans for Coors Light. The mountains on the can turn blue when your beer is “as cold as the Rockies…”


Listen, if you can’t tell your beer is cold when you’re holding it, maybe that should be your last beer.

If you’re so drunk that you no longer have feeling in your hand to tell the difference between hot and cold… taking a lukewarm sip of beer is the least of your concerns.

If you’re that drunk, maybe instead of the mountains on your can turning blue, Coors Light could invent some other technology that would help you when you’re at that level of drunkenness. Like, something that will stop you from kissing that girl with the visible cold sore... or not eating that week old thai food that's been in your fridge at 3am...

Any other ideas for some better Coors Light technology?

--Robbie

"We Run LA!"

I’ve noticed that just about every chick on Facebook has at least one photo album titled “We Run LA” (sometimes they even get creative and use a different city! e.g. We Run Vegas!). I get that it’s a song title you’re quoting, but if there were a version of hack comedy for photo album names, this would be the “airplane food is gross” of the Facebook world.


It’s especially annoying when you open these photo albums and it’s just the same 4 chicks in every picture, sitting down and drinking cocktails at a bar. Is that how you run LA? I think Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa (yes I googled that) would beg to differ. Villaraigosa is the Mayor of Los Angeles, cheated on his wife with super hottie Mirthala Salinas, broke up with her and now he’s dating Lu Parker, another babe--and he looks like a toolbox. That guy runs LA, literally and figuratively.

It has to be the biggest exaggeration in the history of modern man (irony intended) to say that you “run” LA. You don’t run anything; you got free drinks at ONE bar because you made out with BOTH bartenders. You aren’t the mayor of LA, you’re a better than average looking hooker, who only kisses (classier!) the guys but gets paid less (dumber!) than a normal hooker. You get booze, real hookers get crack…. And herpes. So I guess you still win. Congratulations, you narrowly defeated a crack-whore.

-Robbie

86 in a 70... Fuck.

I'm in Nor Cal all weekend doing shows at Rooster T Feathers comedy club in Sunnyvale, CA. Shows have been great, but I could have done without the speeding ticket I got on the way here:



I'm terrified of cops. It's almost pathetic. I lose it when they're around, I feel like they are always looking for a reason to fuck with me, and I feel like they can sense it. I can usually spot where they're hiding and whatnot, but I was BORED. I ran through my entire iPod, driving by yourself for 6 hours is boring as hell, and I let my cop-dar down. Out of nowhere he was RIGHT behind me, and I knew I was fucked. He told me I was going 86mph, and I could neither confirm nor deny cuz I was texting and not looking at the speedometer at the time--good thing he didnt see that, too. Before I even got to my show, I'd lost all the money I'll make this weekend on a god damn speeding ticket. After the speech he gave me about not speeding even if I'm late to a show, that "they would understand," he let me go. He kept baiting me to give reasons why I was speeding, and wouldn't let up. I just wanted to be like "cuz I'm fucking BORED man, I want to get to my final destination. How is that so hard to understand? He couldn't wait to give his little speech, so I let him have his moment. I doubt he wanted me to take a picture of my ticket while driving down the highway either...

Zach Galifianakis Quote

“Wherever there’s something that people don’t feel comfortable talking about, that’s where the good jokes are. People might misunderstand you, but I decided never to dumb my material down for anybody. A bad comic follows his audience, catering to whatever they want; a good comic will always lead.”

Zach Galifianakis is one of my absolute favorite comics, and after reading this NY Times article about him, I am even more blown away by him. If you know Zach, and I really hope you do, you know that this is one of the most accurate quotes ever. He inspires me, maybe even more than comics that got me into comedy in the first place, because he pushes the envelope more than anyone--and does it well. Please please read this article in its entirety, I'm fighting for words to describe it and him as a comedian, but I can't top what was written. All I can say is that I want to be as pure of a comic as him one day. To not cater, to never write or perform bits that dont make me crack up as I scribble them down in my notebook, and to push myself into a realm of comedy that I can't even see right now. I'm gonna have to write and perform every single day for years to get there, and I can't wait. I'm going to lead.

--Robbie

Free NY Steak for Saying Jokes

I did a show at a venue called "Stateside" in Santa Barbara last Thursday, and had one of the coolest experiences after a show so far in my career (that didn't involve a hook-up I'm ashamed of). I did the show with Sadiki Fuller, who I've been on the road with before, and Jeff Short, who was hilarious as well. After the show, we're gonna head out to Denny's and get some food before the hour and a half drive back, when a guy at the bar calls us over and offers to buy us drinks. We declined, and said we were just gonna get some food and head home. This drunk man pauses for a minute, then says "You guys like steaks?"

Our answer: "Umm, yes."

Drunk Guy: "I own the restaurant next door, I'll open it up for you guys... comics eat for free."

So we walk next door, and this was no average restaurant. It was this really classy wine bar, where no entree was less than $20. He tells us to pick whatever we want, and we went with the NY steak, a $25 dish... for free.... cuz this guy enjoyed our dick jokes and sex stories. I was in heaven.


At midnight, we're in this restaurant in the kitchen, drinking wine and watching this man go to work on the grill. We had jumbo shrimp, yellow tail fish, fresh artichokes with this incredible sauce... it was unreal. We stayed out there til 2am, and I was so happy that being awake for the next hour and a half to get home wasn't a problem at all. I need more nights like this, and less nights at dive bars bombing for 7 minutes to people who hate you for making noise while they try to seduce some alcoholic chick who is borderline passed out at the bar.

-Robbie

"Trust No Bitch" Tattoo

I was at the gym yesterday, and one of the guys working out had a giant tattoo on his mongoloid bicep that said "Trust No Bitch." At first I was thinking the guy was a total asshole, but then I felt bad for him. This guy obviously had a woman do something SO fucked up to him that he said "I need to march my way down to House of Ink and get this shit on my body permanently, right now!"


A lot of people are against tattoos because they think they are cool now, but they'll regret them later... I would have regretted this one immediately. He probably chose “Trust No Bitch” because it’s longer than “I never want to see female genitalia again,” but has the same message.

This poor guy had some girl screw him over, and was so bitter that he inked something on his body that will prevent any woman from ever going for him ever again. I’ve never felt that kind of rage in my life! You can kick me in the balls, punch my family members, you name it… I won’t ink something in my body that would prevent me from getting laid for the rest of my life.

What if he does get married somehow, some nice, young girl is willing to look away from his giant “Trust No Bitch” tattoo… maybe chalk it up to a crazy night in college or whatever. How is he gonna explain it to his kids?

“Daddy, what does that tattoo mean? Am I supposed to never trust a bitch?”

“Well son, most of them, yes. But your mother… that bitch is an exception to the rule.”

It would be hilarious if his other arm had a tattoo that said “I only trust Trevor.” That’s all I got for now…

-Robbie

Two Year Anniversary

Well, I have another year of doing stand-up under my belt, and this year has been a thousand times more intense than my first one. I’m too deep into it to turn back, not that I wanted to, but I’m definitely past the point of no return. This is going to be my life, and I’m gonna make it work one way or the other. Between writing and stand-up, that’s how I’m going to make a living for the rest of my life. Now, if I can stop sounding like a douchebag, here are some of the highlights of my last 365 days as a comic:

--THE ANTHILL PUB – This has seriously been the single greatest thing I’ve done in comedy. To those of you reading this who attend Monday Night Comedy @ The Anthill Pub regularly, THANK YOU!!!!!! You have no idea how much it means to me. Any progress I’ve made as a comic comes back to the pub. I try out brand new shit for you guys every week, I get honest feedback, and I’m able to churn out new bits much faster as a result. I get to bring in my favorite comics every week, and share how hilarious they are with you guys. Two past headliners from the pub have taken me on the road with them for shows. This room is incredible, and its due to you guys coming each and every week, and being such a cool crowd that is ready to laugh and have a good time every Monday night. I cant thank you enough.

¬¬COMEDY JUICE - I have been lucky enough to be a regular performer on the Comedy Juice shows, hailed my Sirius Satellite Radio as “the best stand up show in the country.” They have weekly shows at the Irvine Improv, Hollywood Improv, and The Ice House in Pasadena. The amount of exposure I’ve gotten from being on those shows has been great, and just sharing the stage with the greats has done so much more me.

-- NEW YORK/DC – In this past year I was lucky enough to book a week of shows in Washington DC and NYC, the Mecca of stand-up. I got on stage at Caroline’s on Broadway, and it went really well. They asked me back to do a full weekend spot next time I’m out there! I got to see Dave Attell working new stuff at The Comedy Cellar, which was incredible. It’s a whole different style and life out there, and I loved it. I might live out there for a year or two in the future, just to soak up the stand-up scene.

-- OREGON W/ SADIKI FULLER – My first road trip where a headliner brought me along to feature for them, and it was amazing. Did 35 minute sets both nights, and it went really well. Then Sadiki and I partied with random Oregonians til like 5am both nights. I learned that when you’re outside of LA and tell people you’re a performer from LA, they think you’re a superstar.

-- OREGON/NOR CAL W/TOM CLARK – Been lucky enough to have Tom Clark take me on the road twice already, doing casinos in the middle of nowhere, colleges, and comedy clubs. He is an awesome guy and a hilarious comic. I learned a lot from these trips. We spent an insane amount of time in a rental car, and wrote some funny sketches and pedophile jokes.

I’m sure I forgot a lot of cool shit, if you remember any leave me a comment and remind me! Two years down, the rest of my life to go. Stay tuned.

--Robbie