Robbie's Rants

Anthill Pub 1-25-10

2010-01-27T12:11:00.000-08:00

I'm keeping up with my promise to document The Anthill Pub shows better! I got home from the road this weekend just in time to host the show, and it was another great one. Ian Edwards had to cancel last minute, which was a bummer since he's one of my absolute favorite comics, but we had Erik Griffin fill in for him and kill it! One of my best friends, Andrew Santino, killed it with a 25 min set that had the Anthill crowd shouting out requests for jokes they remembered him doing a YEAR ago at the show! Tim Shaw, who won Orange County's Funniest Person contest last year, also destroyed. His bit on a guy being charge with two counts of sexual assault and one count of "sexual annoying" is one of my favorites ever. It was a very successful show from start to finish. Come out next Monday to see our headliner, Comedy Central's Brian Scolaro!

Elko, NV (1-22-10)

2010-01-27T10:57:00.000-08:00

This past weekend I hit the road again with Sadiki Fuller, featuring for him at The Red Lion Hotel in Elko, Nevada... for both a corporate gig and a regular show. The drive was 13 hours each way, and the weather was brutal.
Definitely an intense drive. I had to put chains on my tires for the first time ever... Sadiki had to show me how to do it. I did my first corporate gig, and I was SO nervous about having to be squeaky clean, because as most of you reading this probably know, 80% of my jokes are dick jokes. I was trying to tweak my favorite jokes to make them as clean as possible. We ended up having to perform in this big conference room at a hotel, and I went up RIGHT after the president of The Chamber of Commerce gave his big speech. They gave me a wireless mic, right in front of a podium, and introduced me as "Robbie PACKARD." Oh, and there was a panel of 6 people on either side of me, and they stayed up there for my set too. As bad as that sounds like it could be, they were a fun crowd and they had been drinking for about 3 hours so I killed. Then we did another show at The Red Lion Hotel later that night, which was also awesome. Other than the fact that I had brake trouble which is costing me $450 and also got a speeding ticket for going 65 in a 60 (its only costing me $67), it was a fun trip. Beautiful drive with awesome scenery. Perhaps we will meet again, Elko!

El Paso, TX Jan 13-17, 2010

2010-01-20T18:02:00.001-08:00

Last week I landed my first weeklong feature gig at a comedy club… The Comic Strip in El Paso, Texas, where Sadiki Fuller brought me along for the journey. 7 shows in 5 days, all 30 minute sets—I was beyond stoked. I had never been to Texas, let alone El Paso, and I was a bit concerned that my VERY Caucasian, OC look would make me a prime target for a cowboy boot to be lodged up my backside. But we got in the car, and made the 12-hour journey anyway. The trip was longer than we thought, plus we lost an hour to the time change, so we were running late for our first show on Wednesday.

We got to our hotel at 7:20, with the show starting at 8pm. Ran into our rooms, took 2-min showers that would have made the Marines proud, and got to the show at 8:02. Less than an hour after entering El Paso, I was on stage. What a week. I had some of the best Mexican food I’ve ever had (El Paso is less than 5 min from the border of Mexico, and even though it killed my stomach I enjoyed every second of it.

The shows were seriously amazing, and packed every single night (besides Wednesday). The crowds were rowdy, drinkers, and came for a good time. On Friday, one guy wanted to buy one of my shotglasses that I sell after shows, but he didn’t have any cash on him. Instead, she shakes my hand, slips me a bad of weed, and so…. I gave him a shotglass. On Saturday night, one guy yelled out “Tequila!!!” in the middle of one of my jokes (that had nothing to do with drinking). I asked him if he wanted me to drink some, and they brought me one onstage. Then another girl bought me another. And another. If you don’t know this, you can’t really say no to a show when 300 people are cheering you on in the middle of a show. I was a little drunk for the second show, but I pulled it off and it was an amazing experience. I’m editing a short video from the trip, and will post it soon.

Thanks to Sadiki for taking me on the road with him, we actually head out tonight (after my show at Loyola Marymount University) and will drive straight through the night to get to our shows in Elko, NV tomorrow. Pictures, video and blogs to come!

--Robbie

Hilarious Weekend Update

2010-01-20T15:19:00.001-08:00

A lot of people still hate on SNL. Guess what, you're wrong. It is back, and the cast is supremely talented, and the sketches keep getting better and better. They're taking more risks now, which can divide their fanbase, but I'm laughing harder than I've laughed in years. Check out this clip from last week's Weekend Update, I peed a little when I watched it.

Anthill Pub 1-4-10

2010-01-16T18:04:00.000-08:00

Well, I've already lagged on what I said I'd do by waiting this long to post, but I'm still sticking to my word and posting each week about Monday Night Comedy @ The Anthill Pub. KT Tatara headlined the show, and had the crowd rolling for almost an hour!

Justin Berkman and Tom Vrab also tore the audience apart, and the place was packed. Standing room only at the pub on Monday nights, get there early! Show starts at 9. We're off this Monday because of the holiday, but we'll see you back there on January 25th with headliner Ian Edwards!

--Robbie

Anthill Pub 1-4-10

2010-01-05T12:03:00.000-08:00

Happy new year everybody! Hope you all stuck your tongue down a stranger's throat at midnight, what better way to ring in 2010 right? I admit to being a lazy blogger, so I'm gonna pick it up again. I run a weekly show at The Anthill Pub at UC Irvine every Monday, and I will be posting a re-cap of the show every Tuesday.

Last night we kicked off 2010 in style, an awesome lineup and a packed house. I'd say there was 120-140 people crammed into the pub for comedy night. Chris Edwards, Hasan Minhaj, Mike E. Winfield and Eddie Pence all rocked the stage, and my dumbass hosted the thing. I didn't bring my camera because I just came up with this awesome re-cap idea this morning, but I will have a great post for next week's show. I'm gonna go back to watching CSI re-runs in my boxers and a wife beater... I mean, uhhhh, working hard on some new stand-up material.

--Robbie

Victoria Secret's $3 Million Bra

2009-12-16T15:49:00.001-08:00

I had a really fun set last night at Comedy Juice at the Irvine Improv. Here is a clip from it:

Cat Massages!!!

2009-11-18T16:17:00.000-08:00

This is hysterical. Look how serious this lady is as she says the most ridiculous things ever. Talk about a crazy cat lady--this woman is what girls turn into if they stay single past the cougar phase...

The Cleveland Show is Funny

2009-11-14T14:19:00.000-08:00

Seth Macfarlene cranks out new cartoons for Fox faster than Tyler Perry cranks out hack black sitcoms for UPN. And just like Tyler Perry, all of his shows have the same layout, with slight modifications to each character to make the show just different enough to not be the exact same show, yet double his income.

When Seth came out with American Dad, I was skeptical, but excited. As a huge Family Guy fan, I was hoping he could re-create that magic in a new setting. He couldn't. Aside from an occasional great joke or two, it is a terribly unfunny show. The characters aren't likable, its annoyingly political and irrelevant, and I don't give a two shits about an alien and a talking fish in a bowl. I felt let down, like he put less effort into this show and thought he could sneak by and we wouldn't notice. I don't like being treated like an idiot, and that's what he had done to his audience.

So when I heard about The Cleveland Show, I'm sure you had the same thoughts I did. "Are you fucking kidding me?" "How dumb does he think we are?" But, I set it on my Tivo and said I'd give it one shot. I'm a loyal fan, even when in severe doubt.

With all expectations for this to be terrible, my roommates and I had a couple beers and pressed play. A few minutes in, they delivered a joke that made me a fan:

Yes, its nut joke (which if you've seen my stand-up, you know I'm a fan), but it catches you off-guard. They're pushing the limits in a way that American Dad definitely doesn't. I laughed my ass off when I saw this, and will continue to watch the show because of it. It's very similar to Family Guy, don't think I don't notice, but it feels like they're just having fun writing this show. There's less pressure.

I'm stoked on The Cleveland Show, and I never thought I'd say that. Last week, they did one of the funniest things I've seen on TV in a while. I'll end this blog by linking you to the Cleveland rap, which I have watched enough times to memorize already. Enjoy:

Robbie Goes to Nor Cal

2009-10-24T02:27:00.000-07:00

So here is the last of the 3 video blogs I made while on tour in Nor Cal. This is a longer one, kind of a mini documentary of the trip. Enjoy.

Stupid Jeans Display

2009-10-18T11:55:00.000-07:00

I worked in advertising and marketing before I became a hilarious stand up comedian and writer. I saw this while walking down the 3rd St. Promenade in Santa Monica... who displays jeans like this?

Hey, Stumpie wants to buy some jeans, but doesn't want to buy any unless he can see a mannequin wearing the jeans just like he would... tied up at the stumps like he was a pirate who survived an epic battle.

Why not just untie those legs and let them hang down? What market are you trying to reach? The "Lieutenant Dan from Forrest Gump" market?

Nor Cal Video Blogs

2009-10-17T12:49:00.000-07:00

I just got back from a Nor Cal tour, and using my new flip cam, I made a few video blogs. This thing is awesome, it's so easy to create videos. Expect a lot more videos posted from me a lot more often now. Subscribe to my Youtube channel to stay up to date on my videos:

Following Rob Schneider

2009-10-16T23:42:00.000-07:00

Last night was possibly the best night I’ve had in comedy. Unbelievable.

I did Comedy Juice at the Pasadena Ice House, and we had three special guests: Harland Williams, Rob Schneider and Tom Green. They were all cool as hell, we hung out with them til 2am after the show.

Harland Williams is a beast onstage, plain and simple. He has such a distinct voice and the people love him for it. And he delivers every time. He hung out after the show and took a picture with me and Yak.

I had to go on right after Rob Schneider, no easy task considering that everyone knows him and no one knows me. Rob got up there and crushed, and not just because he is famous (though it doesn’t hurt), but because he is a really funny writer. It was cool to watch. He later told me that was only his 4th set in the last 17 years... incredible. He was so nervous before his set, just shows you how difficult stand-up comedy is no matter who you are. Then it was my turn.

I did 12 min and had a great set from start to finish. The crowd was with me the whole time, and it was amazing. Tom Green went up and told some jokes, then proceeded to do about 6 gigantic shots of Jameson Whiskey (after already drinking champagne and all kinds of stuff backstage). He is exactly what you think he'd be like onstage, and though it wasn't conventional stand-up comedy by any means, he was awesome. He was such a nice guy, and told me he thought I was really funny. I was oddly starstruck with Tom, he is a great dude.

Fred Durst from Limp Bizkit was at the show, and went out of his way to come shake my hand and tell me he thought I was “hilarious.” That was random, but really cool. Though, I’m pretty sure he was just doing that for the nookie.

Party and Bullshit

2009-10-16T12:11:00.000-07:00

When you perform at good shows, often times the sound person will come up to you and ask what song you'd like him to play as you get brought onstage. A lot of comics don't care, but I feel like its a good opportunity to create the vibe you want in the room before you start your set. I pick "Party and Bullshit" by Notorious B.I.G. every time:

This song is unreal. Great beat, great lyrics, but it just creates this awesome laid back vibe, where you just want to sit back and have fun and not worry about whatever shitty stressful things you might have going on at the time. It's the epitome of what old school hip hop was about: having fun. I hate that new rap isn't like this. This song is the perfect vibe I want the crowd to have before I tell them my newest dick joke.

Rooster T Feathers Oct 8-11

2009-10-12T02:05:00.000-07:00

I'm currently on a little Northern California tour I put together, and just finished a Thurs-Sun weekend gig at Rooster T Feathers in Sunnyvale, CA. I did 5 shows with Ian Edwards and Chad Daniels, who are both insanely funny comedians.

Thurs - First night out here, after a 5 1/2 hour drive by myself, which was boring as hell... but at least I didn't get a speeding ticket this time (last time on this trip I got pulled over for doing 86 in a 70, which translates into a $433 ticket if you do traffic school). Anyway, this show was a breast cancer benefit, so the place was packed -- packed with annoying uptight people who were too busy holding their philanthropic noses in the air to sit back and laugh at the jokes we were bringing. I've never seen a more packed room be less fun as a crowd. Chad, Ian and I spent most of our sets telling hilarious, somewhat edgy jokes, followed by two minutes of saying things like "loosen up, these are fake stories, you're at a COMEDY club, not the 'everything i say is literal' club!"

Fri - Same shit, different night. No benefit this time, but still an uptight crowd. Maybe I'm being too hard on them. It was one of those crowds that enjoys the show... but enjoys it quietly to themselves rather than to laugh out loud or cheer or clap or give the comedian any sort of energy to he doesn't want to drink himself retarded as soon as the show is over. Too real?

Sat - Two shows. I went into it with a "god dammit, tonight is gonna suck" attitude, but as soon as I told my first joke at the first show, I could tell they were a great crowd. All three of us crushed our sets, the crowd loved it... I even sold a few shotglasses after the show. Second show was about half full, but they were fun as hell too. Finally the weekend turned around.

Sun - This might have been my favorite crowd all weekend, just because the expectations were so low. We had 25 people at MOST in the crowd, and for a notoriously uptight city, these people were ready to party. I did new jokes I was too scared to try all weekend and they all worked, and it was a great way to end the weekend. Thanks Sunnyvale! and Thanks Rooster T Feathers!

Off to San Francisco now to perform at Club Deluxe... looks like it's gonna rain so this should be interesting.

Coolest 83-Year-Old Woman Ever

2009-09-17T12:05:00.000-07:00

This is without a doubt the coolest grandma ever. Any girls out there see themselves doing shit like this when they're 83? If you answered yes, email me at youaremydreamgirl@robbiepickard.com and we'll have the happiest marriage ever. P.s. that is a real e-mail address. If you don't believe me, send me one and I'll respond.

Orgasm Sounds

2009-09-16T02:40:00.000-07:00

I love drunk conversations. My friends and I get into the most ridiculous philisophical debates about the most immature topics, and we'll sit there and analyze them to death. A few nights ago my friend, out of nowhere, says to me:

"Hey man, if your dick could make one sound effect every time you had an orgasm for the rest of your life, what would it be?"

And then he looked at me like he just dropped some serious knowledge--funny thing is that he did. I was drunk too, if you remember, so my mind was in the same state of dementia is this guy. I didn't even stop to think "hey, this is inappropriate, we're at your parent's house and they're right here!" I just sat down, fist on chin, and really thought it out. I mean, one sound effect for the rest of your life? That's permanent. It's just as permanent as getting a tattoo. So here's what I came up with so far:

- A kazoo (which is always hilarious)

- The sound when you die in Ms. Pac-Man

- The old school AOL sound effect: "You've Got Mail!"

- Porky Pig's "That's All, Folks!"

If you've got some ideas of your own (I feel like the possibilities are endless), leave a comment!

Snoop and Dr. Dre Have Tiny Dicks

2009-08-31T14:47:00.000-07:00

I was listening to The Chronic by Dr. Dre earlier today… one of the most classic rap albums of all time. Track #2 is called “Fuckin’ Wit Dre Day,” and it’s a diss track about Eazy-E. While Snoop and Dre are ripping on Eazy, they make some weird insults that actually sound more insulting to the size of their own dicks. Here’s Dre’s line:

"Gap teeth in your mouth so my dick's gots ta fit."

Ok yeah, making fun of someone’s dental imperfections is a good diss… but claiming that your dick “gots ta fit,” cuz there’s a space between your teeth isn’t the best implication of the size of your manhood. If my dick was so small that it could fit in the gap between Eazy-E’s front teeth, the LAST thing I would do would be to rap about it.

But the best part of this is what Snoop follows it up with, it paints quite the picture if you think about it:

“With my nuts on ya tonsils, while you’re onstage rappin’ at your whack ass concert!”

He follows up Dre’s small dick diss with yet another of his own, perhaps not wanting to upstage the man that put him on the map. Just picture Eazy-E, with Snoop Dogg’s dick in his mouth, so deep that his testicles are actually on Eazy’s tonsils. Now if Snoop had even a smaller-than-average sized dick, how the hell would Eazy still be able to be rapping at his “whack ass concert?” If I was Snoop and Eazy could say anything more than a gargling sound in that situation, I’d be ashamed. And all of this is taking place onstage at a concert? I think the fans would be a little irriated, as that isn’t the kind of show they paid for.

Edgewater Casino (Laughlin, NV)

2009-08-20T23:27:00.000-07:00

It’s Sunday night, and I’m in my room at the Edgewater Casino in Laughlin, Nevada after a weekend of shows featuring for Tom Clark. There is nothing on TV, and I am embarrassed to say that I’m watching a movie called Underclassman starring Nick Cannon (only because I’ve watched the cycle of Sportscenter like 6x today).

It was a great weekend, 3 shows and they went well for the most part. I’m really working on tightening my 30-minute set, and I think getting to work it out three times in a row really helped me figure out how to do that. Tom is hilarious, I learn a lot from him and he has been so cool to me as a newer comic to take me on the road with him so much. He’s really really good with crowd-work, something that I’ve been trying to improve on, so I’ve been taking mental notes.

No hot chicks in Laughlin, that’s for sure. Kept me focused on stand-up, though we still found plenty of time to get drunk, eat an absurd amount at the buffet 3x a day, and to gamble. I actually ended the weekend up $100 in blackjack, so no complaints here!

We’re off in the morning, headed back to LA and back to civilization. My mullet count was at 13 for the weekend, here’s a pic of a mullet next to the sign of the “night club” in our casino to sum up the trip. Thank you Edgewater, see you again soon!

--Robbie

Coors Light Cold-Activated Cans

2009-07-05T17:21:00.000-07:00

Even the beer companies are hurting in this economy… they all try to have these elaborate gimmicks on their cans to get you to buy them. My favorite one is the new cold-activated cans for Coors Light. The mountains on the can turn blue when your beer is “as cold as the Rockies…”

Listen, if you can’t tell your beer is cold when you’re holding it, maybe that should be your last beer.

If you’re so drunk that you no longer have feeling in your hand to tell the difference between hot and cold… taking a lukewarm sip of beer is the least of your concerns.

If you’re that drunk, maybe instead of the mountains on your can turning blue, Coors Light could invent some other technology that would help you when you’re at that level of drunkenness. Like, something that will stop you from kissing that girl with the visible cold sore... or not eating that week old thai food that's been in your fridge at 3am...

Any other ideas for some better Coors Light technology?

--Robbie

"We Run LA!"

2009-07-01T01:57:00.000-07:00

I’ve noticed that just about every chick on Facebook has at least one photo album titled “We Run LA” (sometimes they even get creative and use a different city! e.g. We Run Vegas!). I get that it’s a song title you’re quoting, but if there were a version of hack comedy for photo album names, this would be the “airplane food is gross” of the Facebook world.

It’s especially annoying when you open these photo albums and it’s just the same 4 chicks in every picture, sitting down and drinking cocktails at a bar. Is that how you run LA? I think Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa (yes I googled that) would beg to differ. Villaraigosa is the Mayor of Los Angeles, cheated on his wife with super hottie Mirthala Salinas, broke up with her and now he’s dating Lu Parker, another babe--and he looks like a toolbox. That guy runs LA, literally and figuratively.

It has to be the biggest exaggeration in the history of modern man (irony intended) to say that you “run” LA. You don’t run anything; you got free drinks at ONE bar because you made out with BOTH bartenders. You aren’t the mayor of LA, you’re a better than average looking hooker, who only kisses (classier!) the guys but gets paid less (dumber!) than a normal hooker. You get booze, real hookers get crack…. And herpes. So I guess you still win. Congratulations, you narrowly defeated a crack-whore.

-Robbie

86 in a 70... Fuck.

2009-06-06T02:15:00.000-07:00

I'm in Nor Cal all weekend doing shows at Rooster T Feathers comedy club in Sunnyvale, CA. Shows have been great, but I could have done without the speeding ticket I got on the way here:

I'm terrified of cops. It's almost pathetic. I lose it when they're around, I feel like they are always looking for a reason to fuck with me, and I feel like they can sense it. I can usually spot where they're hiding and whatnot, but I was BORED. I ran through my entire iPod, driving by yourself for 6 hours is boring as hell, and I let my cop-dar down. Out of nowhere he was RIGHT behind me, and I knew I was fucked. He told me I was going 86mph, and I could neither confirm nor deny cuz I was texting and not looking at the speedometer at the time--good thing he didnt see that, too. Before I even got to my show, I'd lost all the money I'll make this weekend on a god damn speeding ticket. After the speech he gave me about not speeding even if I'm late to a show, that "they would understand," he let me go. He kept baiting me to give reasons why I was speeding, and wouldn't let up. I just wanted to be like "cuz I'm fucking BORED man, I want to get to my final destination. How is that so hard to understand? He couldn't wait to give his little speech, so I let him have his moment. I doubt he wanted me to take a picture of my ticket while driving down the highway either...

Zach Galifianakis Quote

2009-05-31T23:43:00.000-07:00

“Wherever there’s something that people don’t feel comfortable talking about, that’s where the good jokes are. People might misunderstand you, but I decided never to dumb my material down for anybody. A bad comic follows his audience, catering to whatever they want; a good comic will always lead.”

Zach Galifianakis is one of my absolute favorite comics, and after reading this NY Times article about him, I am even more blown away by him. If you know Zach, and I really hope you do, you know that this is one of the most accurate quotes ever. He inspires me, maybe even more than comics that got me into comedy in the first place, because he pushes the envelope more than anyone--and does it well. Please please read this article in its entirety, I'm fighting for words to describe it and him as a comedian, but I can't top what was written. All I can say is that I want to be as pure of a comic as him one day. To not cater, to never write or perform bits that dont make me crack up as I scribble them down in my notebook, and to push myself into a realm of comedy that I can't even see right now. I'm gonna have to write and perform every single day for years to get there, and I can't wait. I'm going to lead.

--Robbie

Free NY Steak for Saying Jokes

2009-05-18T14:26:00.000-07:00

I did a show at a venue called "Stateside" in Santa Barbara last Thursday, and had one of the coolest experiences after a show so far in my career (that didn't involve a hook-up I'm ashamed of). I did the show with Sadiki Fuller, who I've been on the road with before, and Jeff Short, who was hilarious as well. After the show, we're gonna head out to Denny's and get some food before the hour and a half drive back, when a guy at the bar calls us over and offers to buy us drinks. We declined, and said we were just gonna get some food and head home. This drunk man pauses for a minute, then says "You guys like steaks?"

Our answer: "Umm, yes."

Drunk Guy: "I own the restaurant next door, I'll open it up for you guys... comics eat for free."

So we walk next door, and this was no average restaurant. It was this really classy wine bar, where no entree was less than $20. He tells us to pick whatever we want, and we went with the NY steak, a $25 dish... for free.... cuz this guy enjoyed our dick jokes and sex stories. I was in heaven.

At midnight, we're in this restaurant in the kitchen, drinking wine and watching this man go to work on the grill. We had jumbo shrimp, yellow tail fish, fresh artichokes with this incredible sauce... it was unreal. We stayed out there til 2am, and I was so happy that being awake for the next hour and a half to get home wasn't a problem at all. I need more nights like this, and less nights at dive bars bombing for 7 minutes to people who hate you for making noise while they try to seduce some alcoholic chick who is borderline passed out at the bar.

-Robbie

"Trust No Bitch" Tattoo

2009-05-13T10:56:00.000-07:00

I was at the gym yesterday, and one of the guys working out had a giant tattoo on his mongoloid bicep that said "Trust No Bitch." At first I was thinking the guy was a total asshole, but then I felt bad for him. This guy obviously had a woman do something SO fucked up to him that he said "I need to march my way down to House of Ink and get this shit on my body permanently, right now!"

A lot of people are against tattoos because they think they are cool now, but they'll regret them later... I would have regretted this one immediately. He probably chose “Trust No Bitch” because it’s longer than “I never want to see female genitalia again,” but has the same message.

This poor guy had some girl screw him over, and was so bitter that he inked something on his body that will prevent any woman from ever going for him ever again. I’ve never felt that kind of rage in my life! You can kick me in the balls, punch my family members, you name it… I won’t ink something in my body that would prevent me from getting laid for the rest of my life.

What if he does get married somehow, some nice, young girl is willing to look away from his giant “Trust No Bitch” tattoo… maybe chalk it up to a crazy night in college or whatever. How is he gonna explain it to his kids?

“Daddy, what does that tattoo mean? Am I supposed to never trust a bitch?”

“Well son, most of them, yes. But your mother… that bitch is an exception to the rule.”

It would be hilarious if his other arm had a tattoo that said “I only trust Trevor.” That’s all I got for now…

-Robbie

Two Year Anniversary

2009-05-12T11:52:00.000-07:00

Well, I have another year of doing stand-up under my belt, and this year has been a thousand times more intense than my first one. I’m too deep into it to turn back, not that I wanted to, but I’m definitely past the point of no return. This is going to be my life, and I’m gonna make it work one way or the other. Between writing and stand-up, that’s how I’m going to make a living for the rest of my life. Now, if I can stop sounding like a douchebag, here are some of the highlights of my last 365 days as a comic:

--THE ANTHILL PUB – This has seriously been the single greatest thing I’ve done in comedy. To those of you reading this who attend Monday Night Comedy @ The Anthill Pub regularly, THANK YOU!!!!!! You have no idea how much it means to me. Any progress I’ve made as a comic comes back to the pub. I try out brand new shit for you guys every week, I get honest feedback, and I’m able to churn out new bits much faster as a result. I get to bring in my favorite comics every week, and share how hilarious they are with you guys. Two past headliners from the pub have taken me on the road with them for shows. This room is incredible, and its due to you guys coming each and every week, and being such a cool crowd that is ready to laugh and have a good time every Monday night. I cant thank you enough.

¬¬COMEDY JUICE - I have been lucky enough to be a regular performer on the Comedy Juice shows, hailed my Sirius Satellite Radio as “the best stand up show in the country.” They have weekly shows at the Irvine Improv, Hollywood Improv, and The Ice House in Pasadena. The amount of exposure I’ve gotten from being on those shows has been great, and just sharing the stage with the greats has done so much more me.

-- NEW YORK/DC – In this past year I was lucky enough to book a week of shows in Washington DC and NYC, the Mecca of stand-up. I got on stage at Caroline’s on Broadway, and it went really well. They asked me back to do a full weekend spot next time I’m out there! I got to see Dave Attell working new stuff at The Comedy Cellar, which was incredible. It’s a whole different style and life out there, and I loved it. I might live out there for a year or two in the future, just to soak up the stand-up scene.

-- OREGON W/ SADIKI FULLER – My first road trip where a headliner brought me along to feature for them, and it was amazing. Did 35 minute sets both nights, and it went really well. Then Sadiki and I partied with random Oregonians til like 5am both nights. I learned that when you’re outside of LA and tell people you’re a performer from LA, they think you’re a superstar.

-- OREGON/NOR CAL W/TOM CLARK – Been lucky enough to have Tom Clark take me on the road twice already, doing casinos in the middle of nowhere, colleges, and comedy clubs. He is an awesome guy and a hilarious comic. I learned a lot from these trips. We spent an insane amount of time in a rental car, and wrote some funny sketches and pedophile jokes.

I’m sure I forgot a lot of cool shit, if you remember any leave me a comment and remind me! Two years down, the rest of my life to go. Stay tuned.

--Robbie

Bum Party!

2009-04-24T16:54:00.000-07:00

I live in Santa Monica, CA, where there are as many hot chicks as there are homeless people. And the fucked up thing is that I check out both of them equally, but for very different reasons. Here is a “me checking out a bum” story from yesterday that I wanted to share with you all:

I love a few blocks away from the beach, so I run down there a lot. In order to get to the beach, you have to cross a bridge over PCH, then go down this spiral ramp to get down to beach level. The inside of this spiral ramp, right at the bottom, is a classic bum hangout—as its’ pretty much covered unless you’re looking down from the top of the spiral.

So, I’m looking down the spiral, and I see a bum—posted up on a camping chair, perusing through a magazine propped up on his leg. If it wasn’t for the stench, the dirt, and the orange vest thing he was wearing, he could have looked like some trendy LA guy reading US Weekly at The Coffee Bean. Maybe this was a classy guy. Maybe I’m a judgmental prick that assumes that a guy down on his luck is just a drunk or drug addict and couldn’t possible enjoy sitting back on a chair on a lovely afternoon and read a nice magazine. Who the hell do I think I am?

I jog down the spiral ramp, and now I’m right above him. I slow down and look down to see what he’s reading…. Can anyone guess? That’s right, a porno magazine. There were no words on the page I saw, it was a chick with a giant dick in her mouth. The best part is that he wasn’t like jerking off, or looking perverted with this thing—he was licking his fingers and turning the pages like it was The New Yorker. Classy guy, this man.

Now it’s about 30-45 minutes later, and I’m on the return leg of my run. I’m wondering if this guy is gonna be in a big old recliner, smoking a pipe, reading to a group of children or some shit. I’m excited to see how his day has progressed. I turn the corner, and I see… get this… TWO bums! He brought a friend, and now it’s a bum party. His friend is now “reading” the magazine, while our original protagonist is pouring a brown-bagged bottle of vodka into two ½ full bottles of orange soda. It’s a bum party! Which isn’t that different than a party that you or I go to: liquor, good friends, and women (or pictures of them). Hey, you gotta make do with what you got right? I was tempted to pull up a chair and join them, but even while all sweaty and gross from a hard workout, they said I smelled too good. I got kicked out of a bum party—what an ego killer.

--Robbie

Hot Chicks Jogging

2009-04-06T00:36:00.000-07:00

I’ve been working out a lot recently, mainly due to making myself feel guilty with all the free time I’ve had during the day. My new thing is every other day I lift weights at the gym, and the other days I run on the beach. I live 9 blocks from the beach, and its just starting to get warm enough where hot chicks are coming to the beach again—my favorite time of year. But I have a new pet peeve while checking out ladies at the beach: hot chicks that run like morons.

Has anyone else been victim to this? You’re running along the beach, it’s a lovely day, and you see a sweet rack on a girl running towards you. Bouncing up and down, it’s a beautiful thing. But when you look at the whole package, this girl runs like she has a stick up her ass and is having a seizure in her hips and arms. It becomes all I can focus on. That face, that ass, and that sweet sweet rack are pushed to the background as I watch these elbows flying side to side.
I could see this girl at a part the next day, looking smoking hot… my friends are all drooling over her…

“Look at those boobs!”

“Look at that ass!”

And I’d be like, “look at those stupid elbows!”

I saw this chick at the beach today, her elbows were up, going side to side… this girl ran like a cholo!

Sorry for the dated hispanic rap song reference, I’m sleepy.

--Robbie

ShamWow Guy Arrested!

2009-03-28T23:59:00.000-07:00

So I’ve been basically the worst blogger ever, and I promised myself I’d write at lease one a week—starting now. So if you’re reading this, subscribe to my blog because its about to get a lot more entertaining. That being said, here’s the funniest shit I’ve seen on the news in a while:

http://tinyurl.com/c22n52

That’s right, America. Your beloved ShamWow guy is a hooker-puncher! This is one of the funniest things I’ve seen in a while. I knew the guy was probably making a good chunk of change with those commercials, but he’s staying in a hotel that costs $750 per night and dropping $1000 on one hooker? All I can say is… sham-WOW! (sorry, had to do it).

Look at this guy’s mugshot. He looks about 20 years older than he does on TV. What a sad life this poor guy has. He has one gimmick… he can sell really absorbent towels on commercials with a fake headset on his head. Then he comes home, no one likes him, so he blows all his towel money away on ridiculously expensive hotels and hookers. This guy obviously has no sense of what things should cost—if you watch the commercial he says “you’re spending $20 a month on paper towels anyway, you’re throwing your money away.”

Does anyone spend $20 a MONTH on paper towels? What do you live in, a grape juice factory? And he claims that we’re throwing OUR money away, yet he spent $1,750 in one night to get his tongue practically ripped out of his mouth, and beat the shit out of a hooker. Oh and by the way, WHO THE HELL KISSES A HOOKER ON THE MOUTH?? I’ve yet to buy one, but even through movies and shit I know that’s like Rule #1. I have to do a stand-up bit on this story… here are a couple punchlines I can think of, just off the top of my head. Leave a comment if you can think of a better one!

The ShamWow guy was arrested for beating up a hooker, who had bitten his tongue when he tried to kiss her.....

....Police aren’t going to charge him, as he cleaned up the scene 20x faster than any other criminal in history.

....Police were baffled to see a clean crime scene, until they rang out a ShanWow and almost 2 liters of blood came out.

....It later came out that her injuries weren’t from being punched, but Shlomi had actually given her a series of brutal “rat tails” with a twisted up ShamWow.

....The hooker claims that when she asked Shlomi about his performance in the bedroom, he responded that she “will be saying ‘Wow!’ everytime.” Ironically, she yelled “Wow!” after every punch delivered by Shlomi. The man doesn’t lie.

Got a better one? Post it in a comment!

-Robbie

East Coast Trip: New York

2008-12-09T01:05:00.000-08:00

It's 5:47 a.m. and I'm at the Reagan National Airport in Washington D.C. headed home after an awesome east coast trip. I spent the whole week in New York, and did 3 shows in 4 days. After hearing about the NY comedy scene for so long, and watching and reading about it for all these years, I gotta say it COMPLETELY lived up to the hype. It was my most amazing week as a stand-up comic, without a doubt. Stand-up is so pure out here, there's no bullshit—if you're funny and they'll let you know, and if you aren't funny they'll let you know. There are so many clubs, all of them get at least decent sized crowds for almost every show, and the crowd is full of people who are just fans of good comedy. Maybe this isn't coming out the way I'm thinking it, but sometimes in LA/Hollywood its more about looking/acting like a star and trying to get noticed and star in a movie tomorrow, but out here its simply about being funny.

Tuesday night I was at Caroline's on Broadway, in their new talent showcase. Caroline's is probably the most famous club in New York, right in the heart of Times Square, and I was just so excited to get on that stage and do my thing. I had a lot of friends and family in the area come to the show to see me, which was awesome. I was up 8th out of 10, a pretty good spot, and sat back and watched the others to get a feel for what the crowd was into. Most of the comics were at least pretty good, like any other show there were a million Palin/McCain/Obama jokes, some clever and some not so clever. I'm so tired of political humor, it's been beaten to death so hard lately that there just aren't any more ways to take the topic and use it without sounding like a hack. Anyway, I was lucky because they guy who went right before me was a pro, really went after the crowd and swore a lot and whatnot, but did it well, so the crowd was nice and loose at that point, and nothing I was gonna do was going to shock them after that. I had 7 min, and my set went great. At the risk of sounding like a douche, I had this moment when I first got on stage. I grabbed the mic and said "What's up, New York, how are you guys doin'?" and it was just the fucking coolest thing ever. It's been a year and a half, and I've done about 200 shows—written every single day, studied my favorites, hustled to get stage time, just doing everything in my power to turn this into a career. All of the sudden it hit me: I was on stage at Caroline's on Broadway in Times fucking Square in Ney York City, the stand-up Mecca. Of course, all of this happened in my head in about half a second, so I don't think the crowd noticed what a reminiscing toolbox I was. I had a great set! The crowd was with me from start to finish for the most part, and I ended on a high note and got out of there. I bought the ridiculously overpriced DVD of my set, because what the hell? It was a special occasion. Then I went out with my cousins and friends from home that now live out there, and got really drunk and had a blast.

Wednesday Night I did a set at Broadway Comedy Club. It's a smaller room, but it was a lot of fun. The place was packed, and the crowd was eager. My set went really well, I was having as much fun as they were, and just genuinely excited to be on stage in NY again. After that, I took a cab straight to the Comedy Cellar because I saw that Dave Attell was on the lineup for that night. Attell is the reason I got into comedy, and he is still my hero. I've seen him live a hundred times (slightly exaggerated) but I knew that the Comedy Cellar was his workout spot for all these years, and I wanted to see him working out new stuff. The entire lineup was great—the Cellar is probably the most famous workout spot for the biggest names in comedy and they did not disappoint. Jay Oakerson and Nick Griffin were great, and I can't remember the names of the other two or three but they were all total pros. But Attell had me rolling. He shows up in his huge winter jacket, black beanie, sipping hot tea while on stage. He could not have been more casual. "Halloween, or as the pedophiles call it… The Super Bowl." I was dying. What a fucking genius. Anyway, it was a great night, both as a performer and as a fan.

Took Thursday off from shows, and met up with a bunch of guys from my fraternity in college that live out here now. It was great. We got hammered all night, took us right back to college. It's rough when you get so drunk when its so damn cold outside, cuz you get cocky with your ability to tolerate the cold. It was an extremely chilly walk home—thank god I have numbed all my nerves with about a dozen pints of Brooklyn Lager.

Friday I did a show at Stand Up NY on the upper Westside. On the bill with me was an SNL writer, a guy who tours with Dave Attell across the country, and Godfrey. Quite the company for a small crowd. My set went great and I got a lot of great feedback from these comics that I have a ton of respect for. The general manager of the club told me I did great and to call him on Monday. Hope that means more NY gigs in the future!

Overall, I loved the city and I especially loved the stand up scene. It's amazing out there, and I definitely plan on living there at least for a year or two at some point in my life.

East Coast Tour: Washington DC

2008-11-17T13:49:00.000-08:00

I've been in Washington DC since Thursday night. It's a really cool city, I'm enjoying it a lot. People overhyped how cold it was going to be—the gloves, scarves and sweaters my mom forced me to pack are still in my embarrassingly over-packed suitcase. I've learned very quickly just how much of a So Cal guy I am, that's for sure. Every sentence that comes out of my mouth, people here laugh because I say things like "dude" or "gnarly" about every 4th word. I think I've got a few of them saying "gnarly" now, so I'm trying to represent for us back home.

Friday night I got unbelievably wasted. Happy hour, drinks with dinner, and then out to this place called Rocket Bar in the DC Chinatown. The place was awesome, a huge bar with arcade games and whatnot—perfect balance of being an adult but still thinking like a kid, so I appreciated it. The people here are so different, but I love it. There isn't that pretentious vibe you get out in LA. No one is trying to be cool, or to impress anyone—they just are who they are and embrace it. Dorky guys have no problem acting like dorks, and ironically I think that makes them pretty fucking cool. Its nice to see how different people are, and it definitely makes you think about how fake things can get in the LA/Hollywood scene. Anyway, we're partying at this bar til like 3am, and somehow I end up in an apartment where I only knew like one person, and they start passing around a bong. I am drunk beyond belief, in no condition to be adding to my level of intoxication, but what the hell, right? I take one hit, and I immediately regret it. It was the strongest shit I've ever tried, I literally felt it taking over my body limb by limb. I tried to keep my cool, but ended up passing out on someone's bed for like 15 min (but felt like 15 hours), and then had to get back to my friend's place, who was just as wasted as I was. I popped out of bed, had no idea where I was, and just ran out the door. I knew what address I had to get to, but no clue which direction it was. Did I mention it was pouring rain? I spent about 30 minutes running drunk in the rain by myself in Washington DC trying to find my way home. It's a creepy feeling when you're that wasted and no one is around… I felt like Will Smith in I Am Legend, if he was a borderline alcoholic. It was a trip, but I finally made it back.

I had to make a quick recovery because last night I had my first East Coast show at the Hyatt in Bethesda, MD. I had no clue who the other comics were, what to expect, or if this was gonna be a show with like 10 old people in the crowd. It ended up being AWESOME, I had a killer set, and found out that they like smoking weed and ordering Domino's Pizza in Maryland too! It was a really great experience to finally do some shows outside of Southern California. People dress so conservatively out here. I was told I wouldn't be allowed on stage if I didn't have a button up shirt and slacks. It's a weird feeling doing jokes about masturbation and having sex with a girl who was too lazy to move in bed while dressed up so nicely, but oh well that's what they wanted! Then we got drunk til like 6am after the show… sense a theme in this trip yet?

Took it easy today, getting some writing done. I went for a run, and ran past the Washington and Jefferson monuments—pretty cool stuff. They have all these quotes carved in to the monuments that are really inspiring. These dudes were brilliant. Then I went home and wrote a new boner joke.

Leaving for New York as we speak! Hope to see some of you at Caroline's tomorrow!

--Robbie

I Fell in the Shower This Morning...

2008-10-05T23:32:00.000-07:00

Let me just start off by saying things have been going really well for me. My job is chill, I have plenty of time to write jokes and waste time on Myspace while still getting paid… comedy is going really well for me, I'm starting to book some bigger gigs… no complaints here, right? All of that flew right out the window this morning, as I was quickly put right back in my place. This is the story of Robbie Pickard falling in the shower… at the age of 23.

I had a gig in Camarillo last night, and had a really great set - one of those nights where a 20-minute set feels like five minutes because the crowd is just eating up everything you are saying. I stuck around afterwards to talk to all three of my adoring fans, and got home at around 1 a.m. As usual, I couldn't fall asleep until about 2:30, leaving me way too tired for work in the morning.

I'm a deep sleeper, so I set my alarm at the absolute latest time where I think I can still manage to get to work on time—and with this method, I'm in the shower about 45 seconds after my alarm goes off. There's a little ledge in the back of my shower, so my lazy ass is sitting on it, too tired to stand fully upright on my own at this point. My eyes are still basically closed, and I'm sitting on the edge of my shower shampooing my hair—a really pathetic scene now that I think about it. Out of nowhere, my right foot slips out from under me (should have spent the $10 for those shower mats) and I fell… hard. It was like one of those Peter Griffin falls on Family Guy, where he literally goes from upright to flat on his ass in 1/100 of a second.

It took me a while to process this—like I said I was still half asleep. Did that really just happen? I have never been more embarrassed while completely alone. There is no place sadder than the floor of your shower, when you had no intentions of being there. I was naked on a level that you can't imagine, literally and figuratively. I just sat there, the water raining down on my demoralized face; rinsing the shampoo I had just so liberally applied just a few seconds before all down my hair and into my eyes. If was crying, it wasn't from the shampoo. Not even Johnson & Johnson could have stopped these tears—these were tears of shame. Shame because I had fallen in my shower, and I'm not 80-years-old. I'm surprised I didn't break my hip.

I probably sat there for a good 10-15 minutes. A lot was running through my mind—a lot more than just trying to figure out how I fell. This was a wake up call, and I started thinking about the bigger picture. What am I doing with my life? Am I really trying to make a living getting drunk and telling boner jokes to strangers? I should have tried harder in high school… If she told me she was 18, is it still my fault for believing her?

I learned something very important this morning. Nothing makes you reflect on your life and where you stand in accordance to your dreams more than sitting on your shower floor naked with a bruised ass, still half erect from a bad case of morning wood, as shampoo seeps its way into your tear ducts. I'm taking a bath tomorrow morning...

-Robbie